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“kkkkzchkwehkkwakwakrrrechwehk!”

The silly squirrel chirps and barks at me in anger. He wants me away from his tree? Ha! Fat chance! I defy his angry warnings and lope around the base of the catalpa. This is after all, my yard. What right does a squirrel have to tell me what to do?

He’s silent for a second.

Then “KZZCHEWARKRECKZZS”

Well now that we’ve got that out of the way, do you feel better mr. squirrel? No? How about we work out our differences? I jump onto the trunk of the tree, digging my claws into the bark. That jump was a little higher than I thought. I inch up the tree. I don’t know how high I can go, but cats always land on their feet, right?

“CHZEAWARKHAZEKCH!”

It’s ok, squirrelly, I’m just coming to have a little chat. See? I’m not gonna hurt you (my claws are a bit busy keeping me in this damn tree. Why would you spend ALL your time in one of these?)

YES! I reached the lowest branch! I’m higher above the ground than the height of most humans! Where’d that pesky squirrel go?

“Kzcwaizik!”

Yeah, not quite as loud now are you? That’s right, you inch away. If I made it this high, I can get to you. That branch is only a few feet away. Look at how high I’ve climbed already?

Wow… That’s kind of high. How am I supposed to get down? Hmmm… Well, I’m sure I can just run down the trunk. But I’d better not go toooo much higher. Just a couple branches. Give that squirrel a little bit to worry about.

What’s my silly human doing out here?

“Tulip! Tulip Come down!” Snap, Snap.

Really? As if snapping her fingers is going to get me down. I’m fine. Go back inside. Leave me alone.

BWAHA! Didn’t think I was still paying attention to you, did ya, squirrelly?

I’m gonna getcha!

Okaaaay…. I guess I’ll let you live. This time.

Just because I don’t want my silly human to worry about me in this tree.

Now, to get down…… Ok, here goes..

clackety, scrape sliiiiide

Ooh, that was fun! I’ll definitely be doing that again. Watch out squirrelly! I’ll be back!

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It All Started with a Squirrel

This is a piece I wrote a couple of years ago for The Promethean, Concordia University-Portland’s literary journal. It is based (loosely) on a true story.

It all started with a squirrel. Actually, there were three of them, if we’re going to be exact. One would not think that three members of one of the cuter rodent families in the world would be responsible for so much chaos, yet that is precisely what happened.

It was, of course, a normal day in Portland, Oregon. The sun was shining, though it had been raining moments prior and would be raining again within the next quarter hour.

One of the previously mentioned squirrels was out gathering food and forage and going about his normal squirrely business, when he saw two other squirrels. One was a fellow male. The other was the nuttiest smelling female his pheromone detectors had ever sensed. He instantly dropped his load and scurried to get a better look. Read the rest of this entry