It All Started with a Squirrel
This is a piece I wrote a couple of years ago for The Promethean, Concordia University-Portland’s literary journal. It is based (loosely) on a true story.
It all started with a squirrel. Actually, there were three of them, if we’re going to be exact. One would not think that three members of one of the cuter rodent families in the world would be responsible for so much chaos, yet that is precisely what happened.
It was, of course, a normal day in Portland, Oregon. The sun was shining, though it had been raining moments prior and would be raining again within the next quarter hour.
One of the previously mentioned squirrels was out gathering food and forage and going about his normal squirrely business, when he saw two other squirrels. One was a fellow male. The other was the nuttiest smelling female his pheromone detectors had ever sensed. He instantly dropped his load and scurried to get a better look.
The two vermin were engaged in the typical mating routine. Female Squirrel was flirting and flitting about, playing hard to get, while Horny Male was chasing her relentlessly, willing to do almost anything in order to have his craving satisfied.
The two wanna-be fornicators ran about, unaware and unconcerned that they were being watched. They scampered through the trees, across telephone wires, and over any surface that happened to be in their path. The wind whistled with them as they ran. They clattered over trash cans, producing a definite percussive thump. Their feet clicked against the bark of the trees and the concrete sidewalk. The sounds of their pursuit created the dramatic soundtrack necessary for our shifty friend in the bushes to plan his attack.
The plan was not complicated. He simply had to take out the opposition and replace him in the chase. Female might not even notice, for surely chases of this sort were part of her daily routine. Realistically, even if she did notice, she may not even care, for she was as horny as both males, and all this foreplay had her ready for some reward.
As the two passed him, Shifty pounced on the pursuer, intending to take him out with a swift swipe of his paw and continue the chase in the same move. Instead, he and Horny collided full on, leaving both of them splayed out on the ground. As they rose slowly, Shifty saw that Horny was realizing what had happened. The now sore and still unsatisfied squirrel looked at his assailant and took the only possible course of action. As Horny lashed out, Shifty jumped back and started sprinting for his life.
As the two squirrels dashed after each other- this action completely different then the running just minutes before- Female Squirrel noticed that the attention was no longer focused on her. She spied them on an electrical wire and sprinted up the next telephone pole in order to intercept them. She leapt in front of them, and the three bodies flew toward the nearby transformer box. Female and Shifty landed directly on the transformer electrical output sources and were fried immediately. Horny, realizing the danger, threw himself downward and fell to the ground. He limped away to nurse his wounds.
The neighborhood around had no idea of the epic battle that had occurred. They knew only that the power was out for hours, classes were cancelled on the nearby campus, and there were two dead squirrels spread across the sidewalk.